My Mum (mathe) is an exceptional person. Born during hard times, her age is undefined with the digits on her national ID representing numbers guessed up to fill blank spaces on an application form. She should be at least 50years though. I guess.. Her education is …. I won’t talk about that. It’s not important. What’s notable is her courage to apply for a job as a treasurer at NHIF with only a “I am a born again christian” certificate as her killer qualification.

My mum has always been a dreamer. Despite having very few things to inspire her, she has always dreamt of a great life both for her and her children. On this occasion, she kind of went a bit overboard! But, being her son, I had no alternative but to support her.

She invited me for breakfast on a Saturday morning on phone and requested me to bring my laptop with me. I was curious of her intentions since she had repeatedly lectured me on carrying “that thing” around without the receipt to show that it’s legally mine. She was also paranoid of thieves storming into her house because of my laptop bag. I had continuously laughed it off and joked that crooks couldn’t possibly know what hp meant whether on a bag or staring them in the eye. She didn’t understand what hp meant either so it was least amusing.

I went over as requested and after breakfast I asked her why she had asked for the laptop. She explained that there was a rumour around her “chama” that there was a vacant seat for a treasurer at the NHIF. She also explained to me that she felt deep inside that this job was meant for her. “NHIF, like the government thing?” I asked. “The God I serve doesn’t respect building sizes, nothing is impossible to him.” She said. I was silent for a moment. I remembered how she had tried getting a visa to the US a few years back, and how destroyed she was when it was denied. I didn’t want to discourage her, but, at the same time I understood how hard it was to walk into a government job, especially through the front door. I smiled and said “Amen.” “But mum, why the laptop?” I asked. She explained to me that the basic requirements were: age above 30 yrs, speaks English and basic computer skills. She needed me to give her a crash course on “THE COMPUTER.”

“This is the power button, when you press that once, the machine is activated.” She nodded in seriousness. My machine was low on RAM so it dragged before connecting to the hard disk. I thought I should explain (or at least try to) this to her. So I said “My machine is a bit slow but it will load in a few minutes” She responded by saying “It’s ok It’s ok. Am also new to this so the slower the better” I looked at her and lost all my hope. I was just about to correct her on that theory when she stood up and walked out of the room. She returned minutes later with a notebook and a pen. She didn’t even look me in the eye, she focused on the screen. She really wanted that job I guess..

After about an hour. I decided to call it a day. I shut down my laptop and looked at her reading her notes. I asked her for the book, I was just curious to see what she had written down. She handed it to me. What I saw almost made me stagger. All her notes were in Kikuyu language. Our native language… I asked her to repeat the basic requirements again. I made her stop at the “speaks English” part and asked her if she could speak any English. She laughed and in English responded by saying. “but of course, I am speak English” That did not hit me as funny! I asked her to be a bit serious and powered my laptop again, downloaded byki express English tutorials online and made her study that for another 2hrs.

The following day was the big interview day. I went over to wish her luck. She met me at the door and handed me her CV to proof read. You know, in case I doubted her English skills… The CV was pretty ok, no fabrications and the photocopy of a recommendation letter from the Pastor was pinned behind it. While reading the CV however, I noted that the 3 referees listed were Me, my dad and my brother-in-law. I looked at her and decided to let that one slide. See, I knew that only a miracle would get her this job. Unless her competition was papa shirandula and jalas of course . I walked out with her and we boarded a matatu to town. On the matatu, I asked her to pretend that I was the interviewer. I greeted her “Good morning madam, how are you?” She looked at me and laughed serious. I laughed too but then stressed how important this exercise was. I asked her again, “Good morning madam, how are you today?” “Fine am thank you” she said. I could only wish her luck from there. All else was beyond me.

I have always prayed for a car, but, I never learnt how to drive one. So, it got me thinking! What if God is ignoring my prayers coz I can’t drive? So I sought out some driving skills. But, since I don’t have a car, I tried riding a boat. It was a bad idea.

On a warm summer evening, Tor ådne, Johan and I set out on a fishing trip. Ideally, the trip was supposed to be just a fishing trip. So, I rode the boat practising for my future car. I was the Captain! Captain of a boat that moves at 20km\hr!! But, forget the boat and it’s ridiculous speed. Let’s focus on my two friends Tor ådne and Johan. This two are the craziest! craziest! craziest! people I have ever met in my life! And, I say this with no exaggeration whatsoever. Allow me to explain… Our fishing trip was meant to be fun and relaxing, a short trip. The boat I was driving belonged to the school so we were to be very careful of how we used it. We had few litres of diesel and though the boat does’nt consume that much, we were adviced not to travel a long distance. That rule was the same one that my new found friends were so eager to break! Johan – the chief mastermind, somehow convinced Tor ådne and I to join him on a boat trip to Bergen, which was like 30 Kilometres away. I agreed because I was excited to drive a boat for the first time in my life! Take away the bicycle and that’s more like the first thing I have driven in my life.

The trip was exciting at first. The weather was sunny and the sky was clear, we stopped after a few kilometers to fish. We caught 3 big fish, cut their heads and fed them to the hungry birds. We were having so much fun! Then we sailed deeper into the sea, really deep. Many kilometers away from the coastline, that is where it started getting a bit crazy, the boat felt like it was moving slower at full speed.. The clouds seemed to gang up in hostility… darkness encroached.. the water too was hostile! It looked like it was bullying us or something. I don’t have the perfect words to explain it, but all I can say is that, it got very very scary! It started to rain. Only Johan had the appropriate clothing for cover from the rain. Tor ådne and I wore normal clothing and a jacket. Being african, I had an extra sweater but Tor ådne only had a T-shirt and a jacket. It rained long and hard. My hands were freezing stiff and the water was heavy and hostile, at some point, I lost control of the boat and we almost capsized into the deep sea. It is at this point that Johan volunteered to drive but I wouldn’t hear of it! besides, my hand was frozen stiff on the steering thingie anyway! We were starting to get worried, we had sailed for hours but we hadn’t reached Bergen yet! We questioned our sense of direction.. Tor ådne and I threw worried glances at Johan questioning his decision to bring us out here. We wished to arrive like sailors who had been stuck in the waters for years. Several speeding boats had passed us and we envied their speed.. We had passed 3 bridges and still no sign of the city.. we argued whether to turn back but the idea was deadly since the sea was hostile and it would take even longer to go back. At some point, I thought about home, Africa. I missed the sun and the smiles.. I wished for some chapati madondo.. I wished to sit at the local fundi wa baiskeli joint laughing heartily with the makangas… Stuck in the sea… I longed for Africa.

In a miracle of sorts, we took a left down the third bridge and hidden in clouds were tiny houses on hills. BERGEN!! We rejoiced and sang swahili and Norwegian songs. We had overcome the raging storm and made it to BERGEN. One of us was frozen stiff! I will not reveal who it was to avoid embarassment

We docked close to the Sentrum in Bergen and illegally parked our boat somewhere… Cold, wet and freezing we took a bus back to the school. We went back the following day to retreive the boat. The trip back home was fairly smooth, we only stopped at some island to pee and some other petty adventures. But, in the 3 weeks I have spent in Norway, this foreign land. This is the best adventure I have had .

Lots of thanks to Runar who drove us back to Bergen as we searched for the boat having forgotten where we had parked it the previous night.

Watu wa Mungu.

I apologize for the silence.

I somehow managed to bypass the kenyan police all the way to Europe. I am now in Norway, a city called Bergen in the west coast. it is beautiful here, the people are friendly and rich. The mama mboga in Norway drives a yatch during lunch break. The kind of yatch you see in a Jay-z music video. I consider this post a long tweet thus the title. I shall write a more informative post in regard to my round mwenda after I settle down

glossary: Mama Mboga – Vegetables vendor, Watu wa Mungu – people of God, Round Mwenda – Crazy travels.