Before I start. Allow me to respond to a certain gentleman in regard to lack of photo use in my posts. Until now, I haven’t shared anything present. I speak in retrospect and because of that, I cannot publish photos that I never took with a camera I never had! If [by some unfortunate circumstance] I live in mtaa forever. I shall be be sure to make some nice photos. thanks.

I went to the crappiest High School on earth!

To date, I still don’t understand what I had done sooo wrong for my parents to take me to such a place. It was hell on earth.Kabisa! Kabisa! I won’t mention the name of the school, I have resorted to using Kamiti high school because the resemblance both physical and cultural is quite uncanny.

Toilets/Latrines

Kamiti high school had 4 toilets and a population of 800 students. Because of that unbalanced equation, the queue on each toilet was longer than the one at my local equity bank ATM. On top of that, the mabati[iron sheet] separating each toilet was rusty and cut in half. Meaning that while accessing one toilet, you could literally see the other three gentlemen cast their shit down the ballot hole as well. The teachers, parents, P.T.A, B.O.G. All this bodies knew of this situation but they didn’t even comment about it let alone act towards making it better. I remember a situation as a form 1 student while casting my shit, a final year student entered next door and greeted me “niaje”. He then loosened his belt buckle and let down his pants revealing his “gluteus maximus” [most commonly known as Rasa]which was more hairy than an Indian’s chest. I saw all that! Painfully…. He then proceeded to locate the hole and then cast his shit in a musical style of sorts. I had to stand all this. Then he looked at me and asked. “Niaje kijana, uko na ka-tissue”. Which translated to English reads. “Hi Boy, do you have some tissue.” I nodded affirmatively. He than asked me to give him my tissue and since he was a senior and I a rookie, I couldn’t question his judgement. So, I stretched out my arm and gave him my tissue roll. I then watched him use it before exiting off. How I got out of that situation without toilet roll is talk for another day.

Bathroom[s].

If you were visiting Kamiti High School for the first time. It would have been seriously hard for you to differentiate the Dining hall where we took our food and our bathroom[s]. I keep adding the [s] because I am unsure which is correct since it was a big unpartitioned room! Students came in with buckets of water and chose a spot, then undressed and took a bath. Need I remind you, we were 800 students and we all took baths during the same time and place. It was bad… I remember my first visit, I was dumbfounded by what I saw. I picked up my bucket, soap and towel. Walked straight back to the dormitory and slept. It took days before I adopted to that “technique” of cleaning myself. During the first weeks, I felt so naked!! More naked than I normally feel while bathing alone.

Food & Beverages

I love beef. Always have and always will. But at Kamiti, that stand got challenged. We only had beef on Tuesday’s and Thursdays! One piece per person. The Mzee serving the beef was the last guy on the line after Joe, who served the Ugali and Mama Marion who served the one big piece of cabbage and “soup”. “Mzee Nyama” as commonly refereed by the students got the most smiles as students tried to seduce him for an extra piece of meat. But the Mzee always wore a long face and never smiled back, traits I suspect made him get that coveted role. The only problem with Mzee was that he used to serve the meat using his bear hands! He had tried using the spoon before but he’s hands were very shaky and because of that some students benefited by getting some extra pieces.

To be continued….

As a young boy playing for Mighty South FC at the Boka fileds in Kariobangi, I saw many white people come and go. My team participated in the MYSA League[s] amongst many other teams that are funded by some mzungus [white guys]from abroad. We used to stare at them for hours in hope that when it was time for them to go, they would give us a free T-shirt or some soccer boots. I was a bit shy so I got nothing my entire career! Also, my english was a bit rusty and I didn’t want to embarrass myself. But, there was a guy in our team called Donny. Donny was the kind that wore brand new shoes, white socks and everything else only to sparkle at the substitute’s bench the entire match. Ironically, he was the most popular player because of his people’s skills and he had earned a solid and unique place in the heart of the team. Everyone liked Donny. Even the coach at times let the guy play for a few minutes at injury time as long as we were leading like seven goals to zero and we could afford to play sort of with a man less. If you know what I mean

Donny was a happy, jovial person. He laughed alot and cracked the funniest of jokes. But, even more than I, Donny was seriously scared of mzungus. They were like kryptonite to him. He lost focus and he perspired uncontrollably at their presence. He didn’t do well around white people.

One day while attending a game at Dandora’s Tom Mboya grounds. The team lay basking in the sun awaiting the fixture’s preparation amongst other logistics. We joked and laughed heartily to kill time. Donny in particular was on a roll as he spoke in retrospect to various events. Then from nowhere, a white dude appeared and sat in our midst. Everyone went silent. For a few minutes, the base was filled with an aura of discomfort. The Mzungu had said “hello” like 10 times now only getting nods and shy smiles in response. No one dared open their mouth and start a conversation that they wouldn’t carry on to completion. But when the guy said hello to Donny, Donny stood up, offered the man a hand, looked straight at him in the eye, opened his mouth and with new found strength! asked the guy this question. “What does you does?” He meant to ask “What do you do for a living?” The mzungu was happy to have finally met a guy who he could have a “conversation” with and talked like five minutes non-stop on stuff none of us could comprehend. Including Donny! But, on completion, he also asked Donny what he did for a living. And in similar class and prowess. Donny responded. “I does at Kanjo.” Kanjo is sheng for the City Council where Donny ran a few errands for peanut pay.

Their conversation was long and even though many english rules were broken in the process. Ghetto had finally met a white man. From that day on, the team and I were very confident in meeting mzungus. We realized that they aren’t gods after all. Currently, No one from the Mighty South team  of 1997 is in the streets of Dandora planning on slitting someone’s throat for a living. They all have a respectable reputation. Even I run a blog now . And, I say this wearing a free T-shirt.

So you’re walking in Dandora on a Sunday afternoon. You wave goodbye to whoever you had gone to visit there and you smile happily as you watch them disappear around a corner. Then it suddenly dawns to you that you are alone in one of Nairobi’s most horrific places. You suddenly remember watching a news cast days ago where a woman narrated how she was savagely raped over and over. You also remember your Dad/mum/sister/ brother or whoever else cares about you carefully advising you to never visit that Dandora friend of yours again. You are now in a state of total fear. The big question is, why are other people so comfortable around you ? How come no one else feels the cold chill of fear running down your spine? Do they know something you don’t? I will answer those questions shortly. But, before I do, allow me to break down a typical “Dandorian” train of thought. If you understand how we/they think. Then you’re safe. If you don’t, oh well …

Dressing Code: How should you dress in Dandora.

How do most thieves dress in Dandora? We have 3 most common combinations.

1. T-shirt, jeans and Safari boots.
2. Shirt, linen shorts and Sandals.
3. A clean suit or a corporate shirt and pants.

Extra attribute: All the three above carry a black paper bag with “Muguka”. A common leafy stimulant that when chewed keeps a person awake for hours amongst other side effects.

Now! If you look around you and you see one of the three, don’t panic. He probably hasn’t noticed you yet. If you look around and you see two of the above. Don’t panic, they are also probably coming from visiting a friend just like you. But, if you see the three of them together! Then you are really in deep shit! There is a high chance that they were monitoring you all along. They saw you go into the house, analyzed your dress-code, calculated the swing in your pockets if you’re a dude and know roughly how much money is in each of your pockets. If you’re a lady, they already checked the quality of your purse and moreover! They even have a buyer on standby so that as soon as they steal your stuff, they will have a ready market on the go. Yeah! It’s that crazy!

So, this is a real situation. It’s happening. Shit is about to get crazy! But, they will only steal from you, if they are 100% sure that you aren’t a frequent visitor or a local. Also, Dandorians never steal from Dandorians, unless they really have to.

There are very few tricks that will get you off the hook.

• Go over to them and “gota” them. Gota is where two people clench their fists and lock them together as a sign of greetings and hygiene. If you gota them, you shall have confused them and they are highly unlikely to risk attacking you.
• You can alternatively head over to a nearby shop and strike a funny conversation with “mama mbonga” and that shall also confuse them and give you some leverage.
• Lastly, you can pull out your cell from your pocket and pretend having a conversation. While at it, make sure you mention the following names: Boooi, ka-daddy, Kimanjoro or Ras Kiriamete. Speak comfortably and flash your phone around in bravery. they will fear that you’re well connected and might even opt buying you a drink as opposed to stealing from you.
• Do not walk of in a hurry, walk slowly and be confident.

If you make it out alive. Always remember to visit again. It’s really not as bad as they say