“Madame” means girls in sheng [mixture of Swahili and English + some creativity]. It is Plural for dame which means girl. “Nibaiye” on the other hand is sort of a sentence joined together and is pronounced Ni.Buy.i.e

While growing up, it was important! Fundamental and Crucial to have a girlfriend. If you had a girl, you were cool, if you didn’t you weren’t. Simple as that.

The problem with Ghetto girls though is that one out of every three girls is a spoilt nibaiye dame! She’s the kind of girl who won’t talk to you unless it’s at a local chipo (french fries) joint and you’re the one footing the bill. She requires you to offer her lunch before introducing yourself. Now, every dude from Dandora (my mtaa) had a nibaiye who they couldn’t shake off. I also had one. Her name was Stephanie, a.k.a Steph.

Steph was beautiful. She had the smile of an angel and her eyes were as perfectly aligned as her teeth. I spent nights awake thinking of her.

I first saw her in church when I was 14. My Dad had just received Christ as his lord and Saviour and it was mandatory for my siblings and I to follow suit.  At first I was opposed to the whole church idea but when I saw steph it all changed. I was there every Sunday at 8a.m. An hour before the sermon. Heck, I even signed up for the choir and volunteered for the washing team whose task was to wash the church once every week. I have to admit, she didn’t strike me as a nibaiye at first. But that changed when I gathered courage to approach her and everything became clear. I went up to her and greeted her in the lords name, typical of Kenyan Christians, and she responded “Amen”. But before I could start my sentences which I had repeatedly practiced the previous night. She spoke first and asked me if I could buy her some chipo. In confusion, I said “Sawa”. [sheng for ok]. She smiled and said “aki you’re so cute”. Had she hijacked me earlier and bugged money sensors in my pockets. She’d had preferred ”aki you’re so broke” . Since I only had 10 Kshs which was my fare home.

I will not embarrass myself by explaining what happened next. It would be at par with punching myself in a street fight . I will however offer advice on identifying a nibaiye.

1. She will always be very very beautiful.
2. She will always praise your generosity but leave you the moment you’re broke.
3. She will always smile when you say you don’t have any money
4. There’s a very low chance that your relations will be sexual. A hug is the best you can get actually.
5. She will praise handsome guys when she sees one despite your company.

@ Steph, if you happen to read this, I’m so sorry you had to  peel all those potatoes. I will never forgive myself.